Hidden Habits Holding You Back

Hello and welcome to courage. Loading. I'm your host, Alicia Noble, leadership coach and career transition strategist. And I help women navigate the messy middle of career transitions because real change isn't just about what you do next, it's about who you become in the process, the identities you share, the beliefs you rewriting, and the courage it takes to lead yourself through it all. And I believe every story of change begins with a single moment of courage. And this is where I help you find yours. So let's dive in. In today's episode, I wanted to explore why some of the things we were taught when we were building our careers are exactly the things that could be holding us back when we're trying to progress. Back in two thousand and seven, executive coach Marshall Goldsmith wrote, what got you here won't get you there? This book is widely acclaimed and looked at the habits that make successful people store when they're trying to reach the next level. Then, about a decade later, he teamed up with women's leadership expert Sally Jorgensen to write How Women Rise, because they realized that women often experience very different challenges in the same situations. So I wanted to start off with some stats to put this into perspective. According to the research done by McKinsey and Lean In in their Women's Workplace report, the data shows that almost half of entry level employees are women, but under a third of those make it to C-suite leaders. And for every one hundred men promoted to manager, only eighty women make that same step. Other research in the UK shows the gender pay gap across all employees is still just over fourteen percent, and that widens sharply after the age of forty, especially in higher paid leadership roles. And then when we look at sector specific areas like financial and professional services industry data shows us that socio economic background can shape your route to the top even more than gender and ethnicity, with most senior roles still being held by people from higher socio economic backgrounds. And I know in reality it's a lot more complex than those statistics capture. But what I do know is that these numbers connect to the stories I hear so often in coaching conversations, patterns, challenges, limiting beliefs. And while every story is different, there's a thread that connects so much of this. So today we will explore some of the key themes from the How Women Rise book, and how some of these practices and habits might be holding you back in your career, and how you can start shifting them. So first up, we look at how we can move from being quietly competent to being visibly credible. This is probably one of the number one challenges I hear here in coaching conversations. Why do I need to shout about what I'm doing? I do my job. I do it well. Surely the people around me can see that. And while this is true, many of us are taught to keep our heads down. We work hard and we trust that the work will speak for itself. And when we do speak, we often play it down. We talk about we achieved. The team delivered rather than leaning in with I led or I created or I made this happen. So why do we do this? Many of us were brought up and socialized to be modest to avoid being a show off. There's also the fear, often well founded. We don't want to be judged as being arrogant or being seen as too much or not being a team player. So we stick to playing small. Instead of saying I, we lead with we because that's seen as the smartest survival strategy and it keeps us being liked and it keeps us safe. And early in our careers we were often rewarded for it. So we kept doing it. But if you're looking to step into a more senior role or pivoting into something new, that playing small habit is exactly what's holding you back. When you don't speak up about what you've contributed, you slowly undermining the value that you bring. Put yourself into the shoes of the people who need to know. Your managers, your stakeholders, your sponsors. They often have a lot on their plate and simply don't have the full picture, so it's your job to fill them in. It's your career, so make it your responsibility to inform them. So how can you shift this? And no, I'm not talking about going full on self-promotion because visibility doesn't need to be loud or boastful. And if you're listening to this, I can imagine you already cringing, thinking about what might be coming next. So I want to challenge you to try something different. Reframe visibility. Don't see it as showing off, but see it as sharing relevant factual information. Think about it as who, what, so what? And if it makes you more comfortable, you can explore this format in two parts to separate your contribution from that of the team. We'll just focus on you for today, because this isn't about taking all the glory or taking the shine from your team, but it is about understanding and owning your part. So firstly, always start with I own what you do. Then look at what. What's the specific thing that you did, led or delivered? Then the so what? Why does it matter? What's the impact outcome? Added value. So it may sound something like. I noticed our onboarding for new joiners was inconsistent, so I pulled together a team induction pack we can use each time. This means everybody gets a consistent experience, and it will reduce the time we take to prepare to onboard them and also help them settle in faster. It doesn't have to be groundbreaking stuff. Often we undervalue the small, consistent contributions we make, and while in isolation, they might not seem significant, but they value compounds over time. So why not take ten minutes this week? Write down one thing you delivered, led or initiated, or even just moved forward. Start with I. Be specific about the contribution you made and the impact that it had. Then share it with someone, maybe with your manager at your next one to one. Maybe in a team meeting. If that doesn't feel safe, share it with a friend or your partner. Because the purpose of this practice is to get comfortable with one acknowledging the value that you bring, and two saying it out loud. Remember, visibility takes practice. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. Moving on to the second theme. This is connected, but it goes a little deeper into something most high achievers find surprisingly hard. And this is how we move from saying yes to making intentional choices. When was the last time you said a full sentence? No at work. Not let me check my diary or I'll see what I can do. But a clear, confident no. If you're struggling to remember, this one is for you. Because another common pattern that I see is over delivering and over loyalty. And this is often fueled by people pleasing. And this is probably the most tricky one because from the outside it looks like a strength. You're the one who steps in. You take on the extra project and you pick up the slack. You do it diligently, even when it costs you your own time and energy. Saying yes and over delivering is often. How many of us prove that we were worthy of our seat at the table? This is how we showed our gratitude for the opportunity by becoming the most reliable person in the room. The safe pair of hands. But there comes a point where your loyalty for your current role starts to compete with your aspirations for your future self. What people once appreciated becomes their baseline expectation and those exact things that they used to value in the past they now almost take for granted. Think about the time when you cancelled your dinner plans to do something for work. Every time that you declined a lunch and learn or a training session to deal with the crisis or your days off, that you logged on to sort out some sort of issue that no one else could solve. Now, I'm not saying never do this because sometimes there are valid reasons. But notice the pattern because every time you do this, you are prioritizing everyone else's agenda at the cost of your own. So when the next request lands before you automatically say yes, I want you to take a pause. I want you to ask yourself three questions. Does this serve my existing priorities or is this pulling me into someone else's agenda? If I say yes, what am I saying no to? And how does that serve me? If I had full permission to choose, what would a conscious yes or a conscious no look like? You don't have to say no out loud, but find a way to buy yourself some space so that you can consider the request and the implications properly. Maybe something like let me review my workload and I'll get back to you by and then fill in the date and time that works for you, but also aligns to the nature of the request. This isn't about moving from being a yes to a no person. It's about giving yourself the space to make intentional choices that support your work commitments without de-prioritizing your own. I fully expect this exercise might feel uncomfortable at first. You're breaking an old habit that has been on autopilot for years, and that takes time. So be patient with yourself and remind yourself that moving from that automatic yes to making intentional choices starts with the pause. And the final thing I wanted to cover today sits underneath everything else. And in many ways, it's probably the most important shift of all. And this theme is all about how we move from proving ourselves to trusting ourselves by learning that the only permission we need is our own. How many times have you said to yourself, I'll go for it next time, the next promotion cycle, next year once things calm down. When I feel ready. And when that time arrives. Somehow, miraculously, there's another reason why you need to wait. And this is what I call the permission trap. It's waiting for permission that you can only give yourself. It shows up in many ways. When we hold back, sending off that application where we didn't tick all the boxes. When we replay conversations long after everyone has moved on. When we're talking ourselves out of an opportunity that we more than qualified for. Because there's a voice in our head that has found one hundred and one reasons why not to apply. Maybe you got to this point in your career by being super conscientious, working hard to avoid mistakes, and probably striving for perfection in environments with high standards and where there's not much room for error. That level of care keeps you credible and it keeps you safe. but at some point, playing it safe is exactly the thing that starts holding you back. And that version of you, the one who's always proving isn't the one who takes you forward. In my coaching practice, I use a simple four part checking to help clients move from proving to trusting. Firstly, what am I trying to prove? What do you think you still need to demonstrate to yourself, to your manager, to your partner before you allow to take action? Two what am I really waiting for? Is it the title qualification? Someone to tap you on the shoulder, or is it just a guarantee that you won't get it wrong? Three what permission do I need to give myself? Think about this. If you were the only one signing that permission slip, what would you authorize yourself to do? And four what is the one trust based base step you can take today. What's that? One small step you can take from a place of trust instead of proving. Try this. Think about something. Maybe an opportunity, a conversation, or a move that you've been putting off until you feel ready. Write it down. Then walk yourself through those four questions. Maybe you end up with something like, I've been working on this new idea for months, waiting to get it perfect before I share it with the team. But really, it's really enough. I'm just scared they'll reject my proposal. So if I only needed my own permission, I'd book thirty minutes and walk them through a draft. Because here's what we need to start shifting. If we're coming from a place where we've always felt the need to prove, and sometimes we don't even do this consciously. So do reflect on whether this is something that you might be doing. Proving that you belong. Proving that you're adding value. Proving your Capabilities. But there comes a point where trust needs to become your main lever. Trust what you've built. Trust that you're making the right call with the information that you have, and trust that everything doesn't have to be perfect before you take the next step. You just need to make the decision and then trust yourself to make it work. If you look back over your career so far, I'm willing to bet that you have lots of evidence that shows you that whatever happens, you will figure it out. You will make it work because that's what you always do. And really, what's the worst that could happen? You take a risk. It doesn't work out the way that you've hoped. Yes, your ego might be a little bruised, but every risk you take gives you new information, new data to work from, to learn from. So regardless whether you get a yes or a no, either way you grow. Because every time you hold back, someone else steps forward, not because they're more qualified or more ready than you, but because they decided the cost of staying still was higher than the cost of getting it wrong. So over the coming weeks notice, were you still trying to operate from a place of proving yourself and instead practice trusting, trusting your track record and your right to give yourself permission to take action? So how do we pull all of this together? Let's consider how the three shifts we talked about today moving from quietly competent to visibly credible, from an automatic yes to making intentional choices and from proving to trusting. How can we use these to help us move from where we are now to where we want to be? You don't need to do all of these at once. Just reflect on which of these shifts has been costing you the most, and what's the one thing you're willing to do differently? Then break it down. Do small experiments consciously testing these new habits. Notice how the shift feels in your body. Notice how others respond to the change. Check in with yourself a couple of days or weeks later. This process takes time, and just because it feels uncomfortable when you start doing it doesn't mean that it's not working. Because the cost of not taking action isn't just about missed opportunity. It's about what it does to the way you see yourself and the stories you tell yourself. Every time you hold back, you quietly reinforce the story of I'm not ready or I'm not good enough. And the longer you wait, the louder that story gets. So the one reflection as we close today, which one of these three shifts is costing you the most? And what's the one thing you're willing to do differently starting now? If today's episode resonated with you. And if there's a moment where you thought, that's me, that's exactly where I'm stuck, sit with it. That recognition is the start. You have to name it before you can shift it. And why not share the episode with a friend who may need to hear this too? If you're after a more structured way to look at all of the areas of your life, why not take My Brave Life audit? It's a tool I use with all my clients at the beginning of our work together. It only takes a few minutes to complete and you'll find the link in the show notes. And if you're looking for support to navigate your own career change journey, I'll leave a link in the show notes to book a discovery call. Until next time. This is Courage Loading. I'm Alicia Noble, and remember, every story of change begins with a single moment of courage. So what's yours going to be?