The Identity Question - Who Are You, Really?

Courage Loading…

Episode 1: The Identity Question – Who are you really?

Hello and welcome to Courage Loading, where we talk about what it really takes to lead yourself through change.

I'm your host, Alicia Noble, Leadership Coach and Career Transition Strategist, and I help women navigate the messy middle of career transitions.

Because real change isn’t just about what you do next, it’s about who you’re becoming in the process — the identities you’re shedding, the beliefs you’re rewriting, and the courage it takes to lead yourself through it all.

I believe every story of change begins with a single moment of courage, and this is where we find yours.

So let's dive in.

If I walked into a room and asked you tell me about yourself. How would you answer that? I'm going to guess that your answer is going to include one or more of the following. Your job title. The company you work for. Your qualifications. Maybe even your family role. Mother. Daughter. Partner. Now, I'm going to invite you to try that again. Only this time I'm going to ask you to drop all of those things. The titles, company, qualifications. I want to hear about you. What lights you up? What do you care about? What makes you uniquely you? How did you find that? Harder. Write I'm willing to bet the second version didn't quite roll off the tongue. Because most of us don't spend time thinking about these things or even talking about them, and when we do, it can often feel uncomfortable, even a little self-indulgent. And that's exactly what this episode is about. Who are you really? And why does that matter when you're in a career transition? because for a long time, my sense of worth was so tied into what I was achieving. I was always doing more, pushing harder, trying to prove that I was enough. And no matter how much I did, it never really felt like it was. It became an endless loop of striving and second guessing. And I didn't even realize how much it was costing me. and I see it so often in many of my clients, too. Brilliant, capable, ambitious women who spent years proving their value through what they do rather than who they are. They've built their worth from the outside in, chasing approval and validation and never quite filling that gap. And that's why we start with this work, because the only way to break that cycle is to rebuild from inside out, to reconnect with the foundation of who you are. Before any titles, achievement or expectations get added on.

I can assure you this is not a you problem. So how did we get here? society has taught us to lead with our credentials. From the moment we walk into a room, we are assessed by our titles, the organizations we represent, our track records of achievement. and don't get me wrong, we've worked hard, we've made sacrifices, and those achievements deserve to be celebrated, The problem isn't the achievement The problem emerges when we struggle to define who we are without it.

It happens gradually, so gradually that we almost don't notice it. our identity becomes quietly intertwined with what we do, our status and our output. and somewhere along the line, our sense of worth starts to live there too.

And when we're in the midst of a career transition, it doesn't just feel professionally uncertain. It can feel like a full on identity crisis. And for so many of us, it goes even deeper than that. We've learned to adapt so well. We've learned to fit into spaces that weren't necessarily created for us, and to become the version of ourselves that needed to show up in that room.

We've learned to adapt so well to become the version of ourselves that needed to show up in that room, the version that fit into spaces that weren't necessarily created for us, so well that we've lost track of where the adaptation ends and where we actually begin. We weren't just wearing a mask at work, we became it. for so many of us, those lines between who we are and who we've been expected to be have blurred. Because once you see those old patterns and where they came from, you can choose differently. You can build from a place that's true to you. I grew up in South Africa, came to London at the age of twenty one and I followed the script, qualified as an accountant, climbed the ladder and kept chasing the next thing and the next thing, hoping that I'll finally get to feel like I was enough. But somewhere along the way, I realized that I was running on autopilot, chasing a version of success that I defined in my twenties, a version of success that no longer aligned with who I was now. So I made a choice to stop living by default and start leading with intention. And that's what this work is really about. Because ambition isn't the problem, but it can become the problem when the ambition that we're following is not truly ours.

having worked with many clients who've struggled with identity and defining who they are. I've put together an acronym, own o W to work through this today. and this looks at some of the areas that commonly come up when we do identity work.

Origins. Where did your sense of self come from? Our identities are often shaped by our families, cultures, and early experiences. The voices of the people whose approval we once needed. a parent who praised achievement but went quiet when we weren't doing that well, A culture that told us that people like us don't do things like that. a workplace that rewarded performance and punished vulnerability. some of those messages became our fuel and gave us extraordinary drive and resilience to achieve. but some became inherited scripts

Helping us build ceilings of limiting beliefs based on what we absorbed. Psychologists described this as identity formation, the invisible process of internalizing those early messages until they feel like that's just who we are. Even decades later, and most of us carry them for years without stopping to ask, is this still true? Or was it ever true to begin with? next we look at worth. Where do you currently source your value and self worth? For many high achieving women, worth becomes tied to performance output, always being seen as the one that's capable, reliable and indispensable. This often results in performance based self-esteem. Where Our sense of worth depends on constantly achieving. When we operate in this space, our value and self-worth is always on the line. Our nervous system never gets to rest because every result, every review, every piece of feedback becomes a verdict on whether or not we are worthy. and over time that constant cycle of proving yourself takes a toll.

Research shows that perfectionism, Those relentlessly high standards that we set can actually erode our confidence and increase procrastination, because we set the bar so impossibly high that we cannot sustain it long term. And when our worth is tied to perfect performance, anything that could disrupt this becomes a threat. and this is particularly relevant when we're going through a transition because there's almost always a learning curve. And that's why this work matters. Because when we start to separate our worth from our output, we create space to breathe again, to rest, to choose what actually matters now and not what used to. And what does good look like to you right now? That's where rebuilding begins from the inside out. And finally, we talk about narrative. What stories are you telling yourself about who you are and what's possible for you? Herminia Ibarra talks about how we hold working identities. We not one fixed thing. We carry several possible selves, different versions of who we might become, and the growth comes from trying out those possible selves in the real world, not waiting until all the conditions are perfect. But the narrative that we carry, the things that we tell ourselves. I'm a safe pair of hands. I'm the one that never drops the ball. All of those words act as a filter because they stop us from trying new things. That filter decides which of these possible selves we allow ourselves to try on, and which ones we quietly shut down before they ever get a chance. Those stories we tell ourselves become the boxes we place ourselves in. So this work isn't about changing jobs or direction. It's about deliberately rewriting the story of who we allow ourselves to become next. Once you start to see yourself clearly, these things begin to shift in ways that you don't expect. You might discover a creative part of yourself that you've buried for years, not because it wasn't there, but Because somewhere along the way, someone told you that you weren't that creative and you believed them. And so you stopped. You start to trust yourself more. I've done enough today. That's my best. And that's enough. That voice gets louder. You stop needing external validation to feel that your work has value, because your sense of worth is no longer tied to the outcome. You find it easier to set boundaries and protect your energy. Not because you're selfish, but because you finally know what you value. And when you know what you value, you have a filter and you can say no clearly and without guilt. You stop performing and start showing up in the rooms where you used to shrink. you begin to take up the space you are always entitled to. And perhaps most powerfully, you start to make decisions from the inside out, trusting yourself not based on what looks good on paper and what others expect, or what the next logical step on the ladder should be. But based on who you actually are and what truly matters to you now. This is what the identity work makes possible. Because when you know who you are, You stop chasing alignment and start living it. You stop trying to become someone else's version of success and start defining your own. Someone said something to me recently that I haven't been able to stop thinking about. You are under no obligation to be the same person you were yesterday. Going to say it again? You are under no obligation to be the same person you were yesterday. I want to sit with that for a moment. Because identity isn't fixed. It never was. The beliefs that shaped us, the worth that we've been chasing. The narrative that we've been living. None of that's permanent. Neuroscience tells us that we can rewire our brains, forming new patterns, new responses, new ways of seeing ourselves at any age. We are not hardwired into who we are, into who we've been. But the work starts with awareness, with being honest about what's actually been driving us. About asking questions that most of us have been too busy or too scared to ask.

So here's three questions I want to leave you with. one what you actually value, what genuinely matters to you right now? Two where have you been sourcing your self-worth? And is that source still serving you? Three what story are you telling yourself about who you are and what you're capable of? And where did that come from? Take your time with these questions and be honest. You don't have to share the answers with anyone. And you might find it helpful to complete my Brave Life audit. You'll find the link in the show notes. It's a free coaching tool to help you review the key areas of your life and reflect on where you are now so you can focus your energy on where it matters most and plan your next move with intention. And before I go, if this episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next. And if you have a moment to leave a review, I'd greatly appreciate that it helps more women find this conversation when they need it most. So until next time, this is ourage. Loading. I'm Alicia Noble and remember, every story of change begins with a single moment of courage. So what's yours going to be?